"Perplexity is the beginning of knowledge."
- Khalil Gibran
Where exactly does this journey begin? How do I motivate myself to do what's best for me when negative attitudes and patterns of behavior are so deeply ingrained? How do I change thought patterns and habits that have been entrenched for decades? What is the magical first step that will ensure a second step, and a third, and so on and so on - all of them moving me further along the path toward my desired goal?
The answer is: I don't know. If I knew the answer, I'd probably be fabulously wealthy and living the life of Riley off the proceeds of my best-selling self-help book. Or at least living a life fully at peace with myself. But since I don't know and have to start somewhere, I've decided that my first step will be a commitment to at least one act of self love every day. It doesn't have to be the same thing every day - just a minimum of one intentional, loving act directed towards myself.
What qualifies as self love? A bowl of ice cream at the end of a hard day feels like self love, but is actually the opposite (at least for very overweight me). And since, like everyone else, we're strapped for cash, the typical self-pampering activities like massages, hairdos, mani/pedis and shopping sprees are out of the running. Besides, I don't think any of those things address the heart of the problem. Like the band-aids my seven-year-old wants me to put on her invisible-but-still-hurting scrapes. They make her feel better, but don't actually do anything to heal the hurt.
So I sat down and made a list of things I can do to improve my quality of life that cost only two things - which, some would argue, are the most costly of all commodities: time and effort. Here's my list so far:
1) spend at least 10 minutes of devotion/meditation time in the morning just after rising
2) do at least 10 minutes of yoga or walking or some other kind of low-impact exercise
3) drink at least 6 large glasses of water in one day
4) read at least one chapter of an inspirational/motivational book or blog
5) spend quality time talking/sharing with a close friend
6) ask for something I need from someone I love
7) prepare/purchase a healthy meal, eating slowly and stopping when I feel full
8) take at least 10 minutes to contemplate/enjoy/create something beautiful
9) spend at least 10 minutes organizing/planning/cleaning something that will directly benefit me
10) spend at least 10 minutes thinking and/or writing about my journey
Please share any insights/ideas/suggestions you may have that I could add to this list, dear readers - and thank you for being here and sharing in my journey!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Things to remember before the journey
It begins when you begin. There is no such thing as too late. There is no such thing as too early. There is only right on time. You are always right on time.
Eat. Not just at mealtimes. Between and around and under them. Feed yourself with more than just what will suffice. Feed yourself with what will nourish.
Ask for help. Not in the way of apology or guilt or wantonness. Not in the way that contorts you into the shell of your own power. Not in the way that drills your guts into the ground. Not in the way that divorces you from boldness. Ask for help in the way that expands you, that blushes you awake to your own life. Ask because asking is another kind of love and another kind of faith and another kind of courage.
Invite imperfection. Know that the missteps and mistakes will become amusing anecdotes eventually and perhaps even teach you something further down the line or sooner yet, and that the places of wrongness and upset ultimately come the underpinnings of transformation, and that even disappointment offers a cure for inertia. Let go of the outlandish expectation that "whole" means "unbroken" or that you are only good if you get there twice as fast as anyone thought you would. Know intimately the bald tire that bursts, without warning, on an uneventful road, the error in judgement that leads to a locked door, the desert mirage that doesn't shimmer into fortune. The raw material of your defeat is pure gold, the bones that build you back, the song that sings you home, again and again.
Believe in luck, in slim margins, in ludicrous hope, in the magical alignment of planets. Trust the pixie dust of stars, the winking moon, the magic hour that tilts sunlight into halo. Hear the soft prayer your body makes, waking to a snowfall, and how the rain leans you so close to yourself, you can feel your own heartbeat in your hands. The shiniest moments are hardly the only evidence that you were here, living your marvelous life. There are eddies of quiet, deep knowing that will gift you a thousand times more grace.
Remember the path is full of detours, places and reasons to get lost, narrow passageways that tempt with risk and long, wide fields of drowsy musing. No matter. The geographies that bridge you from here to there are flecked with breadcrumbs, small reminders of where you came from, river stones beneath the listless current, a muscle capable of so much flexion, your reach startles you sometimes, the way you carry leopard equally with lamb, your conviction latticed with mystery, and all at once, inside of you the same blood threading your veins, the same breath holding you fast to this earthly heaven, this heavenly earth.
Maya Stein
www.papayamaya.blogspot.com
Monday, May 7, 2012
I've created this blog as a way to chronicle my journey towards self-love. The title is a reference to a work by the Persian lyric poet Hafez entitled "With That Moon Language" which I fell in love with the first time I read it (you can find it in the sidebar on the right). It beautifully expresses my philosophy of living with love at the center of our actions. It occurred to me recently that I have focused my energies on loving others through the years, but have somehow managed to fail at loving the one person whose love and acceptance I needed the most: myself.
The nagging sense of inadequacy I have felt as long as I can remember inspires not only a healthy dose of humility, but unhealthy bouts of self-doubt, fear, guilt and shame. I have tried for many years to overcome these negative feelings by throwing my energies into caring for others as selflessly as I could. I thought if I only gave enough of myself to others, they would want to give back and life would be blissful. But inevitably, I gave until I reached burnout, and subsequently felt unappreciated and unloved by those whom I'd essentially given the power to define my self-worth.
When I felt deprived (which was often), I "rewarded" myself by eating unhealthy food or too much (or both!), and/or escaping from reality by immersing myself in a book, TV, or social networking. Unhealthy eating, too little sleep, hormonal imbalances and a lack of exercise contributed to significant weight gain, which further damaged my self-esteem and prompted more avoidance - hence the cycle of guilt, inadequacy and shame has continued for many years. At 42, I've finally decided it's high time to break these destructive cycles and start finding ways to develop the self-love that will inspire the discipline I need to form healthy habits and become a more fulfilled person, and thus more able to be the kind of mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and employee that I long to be.
My feeble efforts so far to move towards this goal are as follows:
1) I am in weekly counseling with a marriage and family therapist,
2) I have recently taken up yoga, which I intend to practice at least a little bit every day to gain strength and flexibility,
3) I am trying to eat healthier foods, reduce my portion sizes and eat more slowly so that I can tell when I'm full and stop eating - and last but not least,
4) I have started this blog.
I'll post observations and reflections on my progress (or lack thereof) as they occur to me, as well as things I've come across that have inspired me on this journey. I hope that those of you who may happen along will be encouraged by what you see here and inspired to start your own journey, or share the insights you've already gained on this path. We are precious commodities, you and I - and the world needs the gifts we bring to it. Instead of relying on others for our self worth, it's time to speak that sweet moon language to ourselves so that we can live more authentically "with a full moon in each eye."
The nagging sense of inadequacy I have felt as long as I can remember inspires not only a healthy dose of humility, but unhealthy bouts of self-doubt, fear, guilt and shame. I have tried for many years to overcome these negative feelings by throwing my energies into caring for others as selflessly as I could. I thought if I only gave enough of myself to others, they would want to give back and life would be blissful. But inevitably, I gave until I reached burnout, and subsequently felt unappreciated and unloved by those whom I'd essentially given the power to define my self-worth.
When I felt deprived (which was often), I "rewarded" myself by eating unhealthy food or too much (or both!), and/or escaping from reality by immersing myself in a book, TV, or social networking. Unhealthy eating, too little sleep, hormonal imbalances and a lack of exercise contributed to significant weight gain, which further damaged my self-esteem and prompted more avoidance - hence the cycle of guilt, inadequacy and shame has continued for many years. At 42, I've finally decided it's high time to break these destructive cycles and start finding ways to develop the self-love that will inspire the discipline I need to form healthy habits and become a more fulfilled person, and thus more able to be the kind of mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and employee that I long to be.
My feeble efforts so far to move towards this goal are as follows:
1) I am in weekly counseling with a marriage and family therapist,
2) I have recently taken up yoga, which I intend to practice at least a little bit every day to gain strength and flexibility,
3) I am trying to eat healthier foods, reduce my portion sizes and eat more slowly so that I can tell when I'm full and stop eating - and last but not least,
4) I have started this blog.
I'll post observations and reflections on my progress (or lack thereof) as they occur to me, as well as things I've come across that have inspired me on this journey. I hope that those of you who may happen along will be encouraged by what you see here and inspired to start your own journey, or share the insights you've already gained on this path. We are precious commodities, you and I - and the world needs the gifts we bring to it. Instead of relying on others for our self worth, it's time to speak that sweet moon language to ourselves so that we can live more authentically "with a full moon in each eye."
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