The Flowering of Love

"The flowering of love is meditation."
- Jiddu Krishnamurti

A dear friend invited me to participate in Oprah & Deepak's 21-Day Meditation Experience, which began on Monday. I've been interested in meditation for some time, but lacked the discipline and know-how to begin on my own. I was excited to be able to participate in a well-defined program with someone I care about but haven't gotten to spend much time with, and I accepted the invitation with enthusiasm.

The daily meditations begin with lead-ins by Oprah and Deepak that unpack that day's centering thought. Then Deepak leads into the meditation time by reciting the mantra and explaining what it means, and the meditation time begins and ends with the ringing of a soft bell. During the meditation time, soft music enhanced with nature sounds plays in the background. I've been doing the meditations every day since Tuesday, and have noticed that I feel more positive, more energetic, more in control of my life. I don't know if it's a coincidence or if just putting in the time to meditate on positive thoughts and tune in to my body is making a real difference. I hope it's the latter! Time will tell.

The centering thought for yesterday's meditation was: "Abundance flows freely and easily to me." I did the meditation just before leaving for work. Not long after I arrived at my desk, my husband sent me a text to let me know that he'd just received a significant raise. He'd given a letter to his boss weeks ago requesting a raise and providing reasons why he felt it was justified, but hadn't heard anything until yesterday. I just loved the timing of that news!

I'm looking forward to continuing this meditation journey and with the hope that it will lead me further along the path to self-love and acceptance. If this sounds interesting to you, please join me! The program is free. You can register here: https://chopracentermeditation.com. If you do participate, I'd be interested to hear about your journey.

Namaste!

I See You

I see you growing, becoming:

Your quick mind sponging up knowledge, always thirsting for more,
Discernment just beginning to trace its furrows in your brow,
Perception peeping out through shining eyes;

Joy and wonder at life’s beauty

Expressed in exuberant art, song and movement;

Curiosity run rampant,

Ingenuity flowering – expanding, limitless;

Discovery admitting new worlds delightedly explored,

Imagination hatching dreams of what will be

Uninhibited by what is.
I see the tell-tale lengthening of limbs and face,

The gap-toothed smiles that signal evolution:

Your all-too-hasty march towards womanhood.

And to me, you are perfect.

I see your beauty:

Graceful limbs unfolding, slight, yet strong;
Smooth, sun-browned skin

Unmarred by its light speckling of moles,

A stray bruise or scrape earned by a risk taken,

The miniscule freckles that mark a day at the beach,

A mountain hike on a sunny afternoon.
I see bright blue-gray eyes sparkling with life,

Rosy lips curved in a gentle smile,

The dimpled chin I love so well,

Your lovely face framed in shining, honey-brown hair.
I see the beginnings of critical self-appraisal,

Discontent with the mirror’s reflection.

It bewilders and frightens me.

Because to me, you are perfect.

I see your heart:

Drawn to the unloved,

Remembering the forgotten,

Converting stranger to friend in an instant;

Eager to please,

Honest through tears and in spite of fears,

Easily wounded,
Yet always open, vulnerable.

I see you caring for the earth:

Mothering even the tiniest of its creatures,

Planting seeds with hope,

And watering them with care.

I see you caring for people:
Offering help with a chore,
A thoughtful gift,
A kind word,

A tender, fix-it cure.

Sharing warmth in hugs and cuddles,
Jokes and giggles,

Enthusiastic hellos and reluctant farewells,

Conspiratorial looks,

Intimate chats,

The flash of a genuine grin.

I see Love glowing brightly in the depths of your soulful eyes.

And to me, you are perfect.

I see your character:

The sensitive nature finely tuned,

So receptive to sensation and sound, gesture and tone;

Interpreting and internalizing all you see and hear, touch and feel;
Bouncing from confidence to doubt,

Wrestling with fear and pain,

Tormented by “what ifs.”

Yet trying always to be

Kind,

Truthful,

Brave,

Good;

Wanting desperately to be

Noticed,

Included,

Valued,

Loved.

Know this now, darling child of my heart:
I love you with a fierce, ungovernable and never-ending love.

I see you – all of you.

And to me, you are perfect.

Written for Emmeline in November, 2013 by Lorelei Cress in Loma Linda, California
All rights reserved.

Getting Somewhere

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”
- John Pierpont Morgan

I can't believe it's already been several weeks since I've posted here! The summer has been much busier than I anticipated, both at work and at home, with weddings and funerals and swim lessons and pool parties and picnics and VBS and staying late to catch up at work, etc., etc., etc. To complicate things further, I've been sick for the better part of the last two weeks with a nasty head cold (or allergies - can't tell which) topped off with an intestinal bug that seems to have taken up permanent residence. 

Thanks to all of this activity (and enforced inactivity), I have not spent any significant time in the last few weeks on self-examination. It feels like I've been treading water - not moving forward perceptibly (at least not of my own volition), but not sinking, either. Just going with the flow, drifting along in the current.

I feel more comfortable with where I am, but not content to remain there. Does that make sense? I'm not unhappy, but I feel I should be actively doing something to move toward my goals - I'm just not certain what that "something" should be.

I had resolved a couple of weeks ago to begin meditating for at least 20 minutes daily, but my illness got in the way. I'll start again, beginning today, and see where that leads. If you have any suggestions of music for meditation or words to I can listen to/repeat to inspire self-love, please leave a comment or send me an e-mail. Thanks again, friends, for coming with me on this journey - your encouragement and support means the world to me!

Only Once

She is whole only once, before birth.

After that it's one mess after another,

sometimes minor, sometimes not, 

and isn't that the most marvelous thing,

how we are broken by birth, broken into birth,

and how if we remembered this,

we would never try to whole ourselves again.

The sunset is broken by horizon line.

The air is broken by a pass of birds.

The river is broken by bedrock.

And so, too, is she broken.

By breath, by story, by circumstance, by chance, by choice.

She was intended as a flexible thing,

free of sharp corners and hard angles.

She forgets this, barreling through her day

as if in combat with the world.

There is no way to win the war.

There is no war.

- Maya Stein

http://www.papayamaya.blogspot.com

Practicing Compassion

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

- Dalai Lama

It sounds so very simple - so why then is it so difficult to do? For me, the key word is "practice" - not just in the sense of doing something, but in the sense of doing it over and over until you get it right. The "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" sort of practice.

How does one practice compassion towards oneself? What kinds of thoughts and actions communicate compassion to one's soul? It's easy for me to think of ways to show compassion to others, but surprisingly difficult to think of ways to practice compassion towards myself. Taking good care of my body would be one way - but that doesn't address the inner self (at least not directly). Looking in the mirror and saying "I love you" seems excessively cheesy, not to mention narcissistic. Doing the things on my list in an earlier post may be helpful - but are they addressing the heart of the problem or simply treating the symptoms?

Any ideas, dear friends? Do you practice compassion toward yourself, and if so, how?

Seeing the Ideal

“Our shortcomings are the eyes with which we see the ideal.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

So after essentially flagellating myself about my shortcomings last week, I've been spending time this week thinking about what my ideal lifestyle would look like and whether or not it's achievable with the resources I have. Since I'm a visual person, it helps if I write things down, and thanks to my OCD tendencies, I turned my initial list into a tidy outline. To keep it from being too tidy, I resisted the impulse to rearrange them in order of importance.

Quality time with Peter and Emmy

Daily check-in; listen with attention, respond sympathetically, express affection

Weekend family time – outings vs. TV/movies

Vacation/travel once or twice a year

Daily devotional/meditation time

Apply “Paradigm of the Blessed Increment” (thanks, Candace!)

Clean, well-organized and attractive house

Laundry up-to-date

Kitchen kept clean

Mopping/vacuuming/dusting once a week

Sweeping sidewalks, throwing away trash outside

Clean/organize master & spare bedrooms, laundry room, refrigerators & pantry

Clean out and organize closets

Deep cleaning once or twice a year – windows, etc.

Plant flowers around house, pots on porch, maintain

           

Regular exercise:

At least 30 minutes 3x/week, preferably 15-30 minutes daily

Cardio and resistance/weight training

Yoga

Walking breaks at work – indoors in bad weather

Proper diet:

Less fat, fewer carbs – more whole grains, fresh veggies and fruit

Small portions

Eating slowly (savoring each bite)

Drinking enough water

Financial planning:

On time bill payments

Budgeting

Debt reduction

Savings – new furniture/slipcovers, fix piano, Christmas & b-day gifts, emergencies

Regular maintenance on vehicles, appliances

Efficiency at work:

More time spent organizing/filing

Better task management

On time arrival/departure

Growth for Emmy:

Dance lessons

Piano lessons

Time for creative projects – arts and crafts

Regular play dates/sleepovers with friends

           

Growth for me:

Time for creative hobbies – jewelry-making, knitting, learning to paint, etc.

Singing opportunities, regular practice time to stay in shape

Adoption/foster parenting?

Complete degree/upward mobility for career

I feel like all this should be achievable given enough motivation and good time management - but I'm interested in your opinion, particularly if you're a working mom (but please weigh in even if you're not). Do you feel this list is do-able? And if not, why not? Thanks in advance for your input!

It's Not Always Easy to Obey the Chocolate

Love yourself.

Love,
Dove®

Thanks, foil wrapper from that delectably smooth morsel of dark chocolate. I needed to hear that. Too bad I didn't read you until after I'd swallowed your contents!

I spoke with my counselor last week about all the wonderful insights I'd gained from The Road Less Traveled and Ms. Brené Brown, and she encouraged me to slow down and center my attention/thoughts/reflections around one topic. Since discipline and vulnerability were two of the qualities that seemed to resonate the most for me, we talked about them a bit and decided to focus for now on vulnerability.

One of the main reasons the TED talk referenced in my last post resonated so strongly for me is because I, like Brené, am something of a perfectionist - and while I don't find vulnerability quite as distasteful as she does (or did), I feel I lack the deep-seated sense of worthiness she attributes to the "whole-hearted" people in her study. My feelings of guilt and inadequacy - not being everything I feel I should be to everyone, including myself - make it incredibly difficult for me to love and accept myself as I am. She describes the "whole-hearted" people as "willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were . . . They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful." This is where I struggle.

I don't feel beautiful at my current weight (I'm 120 lbs over my ideal weight). I don't find my tendency to procrastinate admirable. I don't think my failure to keep up with the housework is worthy of praise. I feel bad about the fact that my daughter has often been late to school, and that I haven't been as on top of things like homework assignments and as involved with her school activities as I could have been. Then there's the guilt about not attending Sabbath School/church every week (just to clarify, the guilt is about not being there for my husband, not because I think God judges me), not making enough of an effort to connect emotionally with my husband, not making enough time for quality play with our daughter (an only child) or arranging enough play dates for her to be with kids her own age, not exercising enough (or at all), not cooking dinner often enough, not singing enough, not finishing my bachelor's degree and consequently not earning enough, and the list goes on.

I honestly don't know whether my expectations of myself are completely unrealistic, or if I'm just an incredibly undisciplined person. If it's the former, I don't have a clue which expectations I need to let go of. If it's the latter, I'm even more ashamed of myself. Perhaps it's a little from column A and a little from column B. I honestly don't know why I consistently fail to be the person I want to be - I only know I feel strongly that I'm not measuring up. I'm not happy with me the way I am, and I want to change. But change requires energy and effort, and I rarely feel I have a handle on either quality, let alone both at once.

There are a few things I feel I'm doing right. I try to spend at least a few minutes every day connecting with my husband and daughter, letting them know that I care by listening, responding as best I can to their needs, and demonstrating affection - and although I still feel I don't do nearly enough of this, I'm at least making an effort. I do my best to stay in touch regularly with family and friends, to be there for them as much as possible, and to let them know how much they mean to me. I make an effort to demonstrate respect and caring for my coworkers, the students my office serves, and everyone I come in contact with - from shuttle drivers and grocery store clerks to new Sabbath School attendees at our church and the homeless people I occasionally encounter in our community. I do what I can to stand up to bullies and root for the underdogs. I am open and honest with others about who I am (even the parts I don't like) and what I believe. I feel I am vulnerable in that I'm willing to love and risk being hurt, I'm open to change, even if it's uncomfortable (which it inevitably is), and I readily acknowledge my imperfection to myself and to others. I embrace vulnerability as a way of life, but I can't seem to extend that to embracing my own inadequacy. It feels that if I accept/love who I am now, it somehow condones my lack of discipline/effort. But I don't know if I can obtain the will to change my behavior without that love/acceptance.

Which comes first? Love or discipline? For now, I'm inclined to think that Dove® is on the right track - but I think I'll chew on this message for a while before unwrapping another one.