Getting Somewhere

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”
- John Pierpont Morgan

I can't believe it's already been several weeks since I've posted here! The summer has been much busier than I anticipated, both at work and at home, with weddings and funerals and swim lessons and pool parties and picnics and VBS and staying late to catch up at work, etc., etc., etc. To complicate things further, I've been sick for the better part of the last two weeks with a nasty head cold (or allergies - can't tell which) topped off with an intestinal bug that seems to have taken up permanent residence. 

Thanks to all of this activity (and enforced inactivity), I have not spent any significant time in the last few weeks on self-examination. It feels like I've been treading water - not moving forward perceptibly (at least not of my own volition), but not sinking, either. Just going with the flow, drifting along in the current.

I feel more comfortable with where I am, but not content to remain there. Does that make sense? I'm not unhappy, but I feel I should be actively doing something to move toward my goals - I'm just not certain what that "something" should be.

I had resolved a couple of weeks ago to begin meditating for at least 20 minutes daily, but my illness got in the way. I'll start again, beginning today, and see where that leads. If you have any suggestions of music for meditation or words to I can listen to/repeat to inspire self-love, please leave a comment or send me an e-mail. Thanks again, friends, for coming with me on this journey - your encouragement and support means the world to me!

Only Once

She is whole only once, before birth.

After that it's one mess after another,

sometimes minor, sometimes not, 

and isn't that the most marvelous thing,

how we are broken by birth, broken into birth,

and how if we remembered this,

we would never try to whole ourselves again.

The sunset is broken by horizon line.

The air is broken by a pass of birds.

The river is broken by bedrock.

And so, too, is she broken.

By breath, by story, by circumstance, by chance, by choice.

She was intended as a flexible thing,

free of sharp corners and hard angles.

She forgets this, barreling through her day

as if in combat with the world.

There is no way to win the war.

There is no war.

- Maya Stein

http://www.papayamaya.blogspot.com

Practicing Compassion

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

- Dalai Lama

It sounds so very simple - so why then is it so difficult to do? For me, the key word is "practice" - not just in the sense of doing something, but in the sense of doing it over and over until you get it right. The "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" sort of practice.

How does one practice compassion towards oneself? What kinds of thoughts and actions communicate compassion to one's soul? It's easy for me to think of ways to show compassion to others, but surprisingly difficult to think of ways to practice compassion towards myself. Taking good care of my body would be one way - but that doesn't address the inner self (at least not directly). Looking in the mirror and saying "I love you" seems excessively cheesy, not to mention narcissistic. Doing the things on my list in an earlier post may be helpful - but are they addressing the heart of the problem or simply treating the symptoms?

Any ideas, dear friends? Do you practice compassion toward yourself, and if so, how?

Seeing the Ideal

“Our shortcomings are the eyes with which we see the ideal.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

So after essentially flagellating myself about my shortcomings last week, I've been spending time this week thinking about what my ideal lifestyle would look like and whether or not it's achievable with the resources I have. Since I'm a visual person, it helps if I write things down, and thanks to my OCD tendencies, I turned my initial list into a tidy outline. To keep it from being too tidy, I resisted the impulse to rearrange them in order of importance.

Quality time with Peter and Emmy

Daily check-in; listen with attention, respond sympathetically, express affection

Weekend family time – outings vs. TV/movies

Vacation/travel once or twice a year

Daily devotional/meditation time

Apply “Paradigm of the Blessed Increment” (thanks, Candace!)

Clean, well-organized and attractive house

Laundry up-to-date

Kitchen kept clean

Mopping/vacuuming/dusting once a week

Sweeping sidewalks, throwing away trash outside

Clean/organize master & spare bedrooms, laundry room, refrigerators & pantry

Clean out and organize closets

Deep cleaning once or twice a year – windows, etc.

Plant flowers around house, pots on porch, maintain

           

Regular exercise:

At least 30 minutes 3x/week, preferably 15-30 minutes daily

Cardio and resistance/weight training

Yoga

Walking breaks at work – indoors in bad weather

Proper diet:

Less fat, fewer carbs – more whole grains, fresh veggies and fruit

Small portions

Eating slowly (savoring each bite)

Drinking enough water

Financial planning:

On time bill payments

Budgeting

Debt reduction

Savings – new furniture/slipcovers, fix piano, Christmas & b-day gifts, emergencies

Regular maintenance on vehicles, appliances

Efficiency at work:

More time spent organizing/filing

Better task management

On time arrival/departure

Growth for Emmy:

Dance lessons

Piano lessons

Time for creative projects – arts and crafts

Regular play dates/sleepovers with friends

           

Growth for me:

Time for creative hobbies – jewelry-making, knitting, learning to paint, etc.

Singing opportunities, regular practice time to stay in shape

Adoption/foster parenting?

Complete degree/upward mobility for career

I feel like all this should be achievable given enough motivation and good time management - but I'm interested in your opinion, particularly if you're a working mom (but please weigh in even if you're not). Do you feel this list is do-able? And if not, why not? Thanks in advance for your input!

It's Not Always Easy to Obey the Chocolate

Love yourself.

Love,
Dove®

Thanks, foil wrapper from that delectably smooth morsel of dark chocolate. I needed to hear that. Too bad I didn't read you until after I'd swallowed your contents!

I spoke with my counselor last week about all the wonderful insights I'd gained from The Road Less Traveled and Ms. Brené Brown, and she encouraged me to slow down and center my attention/thoughts/reflections around one topic. Since discipline and vulnerability were two of the qualities that seemed to resonate the most for me, we talked about them a bit and decided to focus for now on vulnerability.

One of the main reasons the TED talk referenced in my last post resonated so strongly for me is because I, like Brené, am something of a perfectionist - and while I don't find vulnerability quite as distasteful as she does (or did), I feel I lack the deep-seated sense of worthiness she attributes to the "whole-hearted" people in her study. My feelings of guilt and inadequacy - not being everything I feel I should be to everyone, including myself - make it incredibly difficult for me to love and accept myself as I am. She describes the "whole-hearted" people as "willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were . . . They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful." This is where I struggle.

I don't feel beautiful at my current weight (I'm 120 lbs over my ideal weight). I don't find my tendency to procrastinate admirable. I don't think my failure to keep up with the housework is worthy of praise. I feel bad about the fact that my daughter has often been late to school, and that I haven't been as on top of things like homework assignments and as involved with her school activities as I could have been. Then there's the guilt about not attending Sabbath School/church every week (just to clarify, the guilt is about not being there for my husband, not because I think God judges me), not making enough of an effort to connect emotionally with my husband, not making enough time for quality play with our daughter (an only child) or arranging enough play dates for her to be with kids her own age, not exercising enough (or at all), not cooking dinner often enough, not singing enough, not finishing my bachelor's degree and consequently not earning enough, and the list goes on.

I honestly don't know whether my expectations of myself are completely unrealistic, or if I'm just an incredibly undisciplined person. If it's the former, I don't have a clue which expectations I need to let go of. If it's the latter, I'm even more ashamed of myself. Perhaps it's a little from column A and a little from column B. I honestly don't know why I consistently fail to be the person I want to be - I only know I feel strongly that I'm not measuring up. I'm not happy with me the way I am, and I want to change. But change requires energy and effort, and I rarely feel I have a handle on either quality, let alone both at once.

There are a few things I feel I'm doing right. I try to spend at least a few minutes every day connecting with my husband and daughter, letting them know that I care by listening, responding as best I can to their needs, and demonstrating affection - and although I still feel I don't do nearly enough of this, I'm at least making an effort. I do my best to stay in touch regularly with family and friends, to be there for them as much as possible, and to let them know how much they mean to me. I make an effort to demonstrate respect and caring for my coworkers, the students my office serves, and everyone I come in contact with - from shuttle drivers and grocery store clerks to new Sabbath School attendees at our church and the homeless people I occasionally encounter in our community. I do what I can to stand up to bullies and root for the underdogs. I am open and honest with others about who I am (even the parts I don't like) and what I believe. I feel I am vulnerable in that I'm willing to love and risk being hurt, I'm open to change, even if it's uncomfortable (which it inevitably is), and I readily acknowledge my imperfection to myself and to others. I embrace vulnerability as a way of life, but I can't seem to extend that to embracing my own inadequacy. It feels that if I accept/love who I am now, it somehow condones my lack of discipline/effort. But I don't know if I can obtain the will to change my behavior without that love/acceptance.

Which comes first? Love or discipline? For now, I'm inclined to think that Dove® is on the right track - but I think I'll chew on this message for a while before unwrapping another one.

The Most Important Part of the Work

"The beginning is the most important part of the work."
- Plato

It's also the hardest part of the work - at least for me. Forming new habits requires consistency, discipline and energy - qualities that are sadly lacking in my lifestyle at present. I have spent time in the last couple of weeks re-reading M. Scott Peck's marvelous book "The Road Less Traveled," and have found it very meaningful. I also watched this excellent TED talk by Brené Brown about vulnerability, which really resonated with me. I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about writing, but making the time to sit down and do it has not happened with everything else that seems to be clamoring for my attention - countless tasks at work that have had me working overtime every night, my sweet daughter with a million questions and ideas that need to be heard and responded to, the kitchen sink and countertops overflowing with dirty dishes, the knee-deep piles of laundry, the dirty floors, bathrooms, the unpaid bills, the things I've been meaning to look into but haven't yet (piano lessons, dance lessons, summer child care options), etc., etc., etc. I am constantly feeling overwhelmed with everything there is to do, and the needs I feel I should be meeting - for my family, my friends, my employer, my church, and my community. After getting my girl into bed, asking my hubby about his day, and making at least a half-hearted attempt to address the dishes and/or laundry, I tend to numb my feelings of helplessness about it all by retreating into a book, a television show, or the internet. Summoning the energy to think and write after a long day of work seems an impossible, futile task. A dear friend has been hinting that another post is long overdue, and I've spent the past two weeks feeling guilty about it, knowing I should be giving this more of my attention - but just getting through each day has seemed like such an enormous task that I haven't had any energy leftover to devote to this blog, and have not even spent the time each day on something for me that I intended. I know I need to make this process a priority if I'm going to be successful, but I don't know how to acquire the energy and will to focus on it. Any ideas, dear readers? I'm floundering here!

Where to Begin?

"Perplexity is the beginning of knowledge."

- Khalil Gibran


Where exactly does this journey begin? How do I motivate myself to do what's best for me when negative attitudes and patterns of behavior are so deeply ingrained? How do I change thought patterns and habits that have been entrenched for decades? What is the magical first step that will ensure a second step, and a third, and so on and so on - all of them moving me further along the path toward my desired goal?

The answer is: I don't know. If I knew the answer, I'd probably be fabulously wealthy and living the life of Riley off the proceeds of my best-selling self-help book. Or at least living a life fully at peace with myself. But since I don't know and have to start somewhere, I've decided that my first step will be a commitment to at least one act of self love every day. It doesn't have to be the same thing every day - just a minimum of one intentional, loving act directed towards myself.

What qualifies as self love? A bowl of ice cream at the end of a hard day feels like self love, but is actually the opposite (at least for very overweight me). And since, like everyone else, we're strapped for cash, the typical self-pampering activities like massages, hairdos, mani/pedis and shopping sprees are out of the running. Besides, I don't think any of those things address the heart of the problem. Like the band-aids my seven-year-old wants me to put on her invisible-but-still-hurting scrapes. They make her feel better, but don't actually do anything to heal the hurt.

So I sat down and made a list of things I can do to improve my quality of life that cost only two things - which, some would argue, are the most costly of all commodities: time and effort. Here's my list so far:

1) spend at least 10 minutes of devotion/meditation time in the morning just after rising
2) do at least 10 minutes of yoga or walking or some other kind of low-impact exercise
3) drink at least 6 large glasses of water in one day
4) read at least one chapter of an inspirational/motivational book or blog
5) spend quality time talking/sharing with a close friend
6) ask for something I need from someone I love
7) prepare/purchase a healthy meal, eating slowly and stopping when I feel full
8) take at least 10 minutes to contemplate/enjoy/create something beautiful
9) spend at least 10 minutes organizing/planning/cleaning something that will directly benefit me
10) spend at least 10 minutes thinking and/or writing about my journey

Please share any insights/ideas/suggestions you may have that I could add to this list, dear readers - and thank you for being here and sharing in my journey!

Things to remember before the journey

It begins when you begin. There is no such thing as too late. There is no such thing as too early. There is only right on time. You are always right on time.

Eat. Not just at mealtimes. Between and around and under them. Feed yourself with more than just what will suffice. Feed yourself with what will nourish.

Ask for help. Not in the way of apology or guilt or wantonness. Not in the way that contorts you into the shell of your own power. Not in the way that drills your guts into the ground. Not in the way that divorces you from boldness. Ask for help in the way that expands you, that blushes you awake to your own life. Ask because asking is another kind of love and another kind of faith and another kind of courage.

Invite imperfection. Know that the missteps and mistakes will become amusing anecdotes eventually and perhaps even teach you something further down the line or sooner yet, and that the places of wrongness and upset ultimately come the underpinnings of transformation, and that even disappointment offers a cure for inertia. Let go of the outlandish expectation that "whole" means "unbroken" or that you are only good if you get there twice as fast as anyone thought you would. Know intimately the bald tire that bursts, without warning, on an uneventful road, the error in judgement that leads to a locked door, the desert mirage that doesn't shimmer into fortune. The raw material of your defeat is pure gold, the bones that build you back, the song that sings you home, again and again.

Believe in luck, in slim margins, in ludicrous hope, in the magical alignment of planets. Trust the pixie dust of stars, the winking moon, the magic hour that tilts sunlight into halo. Hear the soft prayer your body makes, waking to a snowfall, and how the rain leans you so close to yourself, you can feel your own heartbeat in your hands. The shiniest moments are hardly the only evidence that you were here, living your marvelous life. There are eddies of quiet, deep knowing that will gift you a thousand times more grace.

Remember the path is full of detours, places and reasons to get lost, narrow passageways that tempt with risk and long, wide fields of drowsy musing. No matter. The geographies that bridge you from here to there are flecked with breadcrumbs, small reminders of where you came from, river stones beneath the listless current, a muscle capable of so much flexion, your reach startles you sometimes, the way you carry leopard equally with lamb, your conviction latticed with mystery, and all at once, inside of you the same blood threading your veins, the same breath holding you fast to this earthly heaven, this heavenly earth.

Maya Stein
www.papayamaya.blogspot.com

I've created this blog as a way to chronicle my journey towards self-love. The title is a reference to a work by the Persian lyric poet Hafez entitled "With That Moon Language" which I fell in love with the first time I read it (you can find it in the sidebar on the right). It beautifully expresses my philosophy of living with love at the center of our actions. It occurred to me recently that I have focused my energies on loving others through the years, but have somehow managed to fail at loving the one person whose love and acceptance I needed the most: myself.

The nagging sense of inadequacy I have felt as long as I can remember inspires not only a healthy dose of humility, but unhealthy bouts of self-doubt, fear, guilt and shame. I have tried for many years to overcome these negative feelings by throwing my energies into caring for others as selflessly as I could. I thought if I only gave enough of myself to others, they would want to give back and life would be blissful. But inevitably, I gave until I reached burnout, and subsequently felt unappreciated and unloved by those whom I'd essentially given the power to define my self-worth.

When I felt deprived (which was often), I "rewarded" myself by eating unhealthy food or too much (or both!), and/or escaping from reality by immersing myself in a book, TV, or social networking. Unhealthy eating, too little sleep, hormonal imbalances and a lack of exercise contributed to significant weight gain, which further damaged my self-esteem and prompted more avoidance - hence the cycle of guilt, inadequacy and shame has continued for many years. At 42, I've finally decided it's high time to break these destructive cycles and start finding ways to develop the self-love that will inspire the discipline I need to form healthy habits and become a more fulfilled person, and thus more able to be the kind of mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and employee that I long to be.

My feeble efforts so far to move towards this goal are as follows:
1) I am in weekly counseling with a marriage and family therapist,
2) I have recently taken up yoga, which I intend to practice at least a little bit every day to gain strength and flexibility,
3) I am trying to eat healthier foods, reduce my portion sizes and eat more slowly so that I can tell when I'm full and stop eating - and last but not least,
4) I have started this blog.

I'll post observations and reflections on my progress (or lack thereof) as they occur to me, as well as things I've come across that have inspired me on this journey. I hope that those of you who may happen along will be encouraged by what you see here and inspired to start your own journey, or share the insights you've already gained on this path. We are precious commodities, you and I - and the world needs the gifts we bring to it. Instead of relying on others for our self worth, it's time to speak that sweet moon language to ourselves so that we can live more authentically "with a full moon in each eye."