Love yourself.
Love,
Dove®
Thanks, foil wrapper from that delectably smooth morsel of dark chocolate. I needed to hear that. Too bad I didn't read you until after I'd swallowed your contents!
I spoke with my counselor last week about all
the wonderful insights I'd gained from The Road Less Traveled and Ms. Brené Brown, and she
encouraged me to slow down and center my attention/thoughts/reflections
around one topic. Since discipline and vulnerability were two of the
qualities that seemed to resonate the most for me, we talked about them a
bit and decided to focus for now on vulnerability.
One of the main reasons the TED talk referenced in my last post resonated so strongly for me is because I, like Brené,
am something of a perfectionist - and while I don't find vulnerability
quite as distasteful as she does (or did), I feel I lack the
deep-seated sense of worthiness she attributes to the "whole-hearted" people in her study. My feelings of guilt and inadequacy -
not being everything I feel I should be to everyone, including myself - make
it incredibly difficult for me to love and accept myself as I am. She describes the "whole-hearted" people as "willing to let go of who
they thought they should be in order to be who they were . . . They
believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful." This is
where I struggle.
I don't feel beautiful at my current weight (I'm 120 lbs over my ideal weight). I
don't find my tendency to procrastinate admirable. I don't think my
failure to keep up with the housework is worthy of praise. I feel bad about the fact that my daughter has often been late to school, and that I haven't been as on top of things like homework assignments and as involved with her school activities as I could have been. Then there's the guilt about not attending Sabbath School/church every week (just to clarify, the guilt is about not being there for my husband, not because I think God judges me), not making enough of an effort to connect emotionally with my husband, not making enough time for quality play with our daughter (an only child) or arranging enough play dates for her to be with kids her own age, not exercising enough (or at all), not cooking dinner often enough, not singing enough, not finishing my bachelor's degree and consequently not earning enough, and the list goes on.
I honestly don't know whether my expectations of myself
are completely unrealistic, or if I'm just an incredibly undisciplined person. If
it's the former, I don't have a clue which expectations I need to let go
of. If it's the latter, I'm even more ashamed of myself. Perhaps it's a little from column A and a little from column B. I honestly
don't know why I consistently fail to be the person I want to be - I only know I feel strongly that I'm not measuring up. I'm not happy with me
the way I am, and I want to change. But change requires energy and effort, and I rarely feel I have a handle on either quality, let alone both at once.
There are a few things I feel I'm doing right. I try to spend at least a few minutes every day connecting with my husband and daughter, letting them know that I
care by listening, responding as best I can to their needs, and
demonstrating affection - and although I still feel I don't do nearly enough of this, I'm at least making an effort. I do my best to stay in touch regularly with family and
friends, to be there for them as much as possible, and to let them
know how much they mean to me. I make an effort to demonstrate respect
and caring for my coworkers, the students my office serves, and everyone
I come in contact with - from shuttle drivers and grocery store clerks
to new Sabbath School attendees at our church and the homeless people I occasionally encounter in our
community. I do what I can to stand up to bullies and root for the
underdogs. I am open and honest with others about who I am (even the parts I
don't like) and what I believe. I feel I am vulnerable in that I'm willing to love and risk being hurt, I'm open to change, even if it's uncomfortable (which it inevitably is), and I readily acknowledge my imperfection to myself and to others. I embrace vulnerability as a way of life, but I can't seem to extend that to embracing my own inadequacy. It feels that if I
accept/love who I am now, it somehow condones my lack of
discipline/effort. But I don't know if I can obtain the will to change
my behavior without that love/acceptance.
Which comes first? Love or discipline? For now, I'm inclined to think that Dove® is on the right track - but I think I'll chew on this message for a while before unwrapping another one.
Well, I cast my vote for love. If vulnerability is the goal, how can we get there without a sense of love being in and through it all?
ReplyDeleteI watched the TED talk you mention above and am challenged by it as well. I can easily agree that to have one's friends and family members be vulnerable is a transforming, beautiful thing. But this appreciation for vulnerability can end pretty quickly when something I'm struggling with comes up. The times it does work, it seems to bring its own comfort--the kind of sensation that comes when truth is being spoken, the tired pretenses gone, the chance for a different life just ahead.
Amen, Candace! Have I mentioned that I love your beautiful way with words? If you are writing at present (and I dearly hope you are), I'd love to be one of your readers. Let me know.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to focus only on what you perceive to be the negatives in your life. For me, loving myself begins with focusing on what I am doing right and giving myself credit. I believe in acknowledging mistakes, but then making a plan to correct it, and moving on.
ReplyDeleteBegin praising yourself, making a list of your accomplishments and adding to it daily. It is not arrogance or hubris to do so. I'll start it for you...
-- You are kind and patient and generous and filled with grace, a living embodiment of Christ for all who know you.
-- You are so talented - your voice is a blessing to all who hear you sing
-- You are so creative - the earrings you made for me are among my favorites, not just because you made them for *ME* but because they are so beautifully crafted
-- What you perceive to be a negative (your perfectionism) makes you such an asset at work and in whatever commitments you take on - you are conscientious, thorough, responsible.
-- So what if your house is dusty or Emmy is occasionally late for school. Despite all you have to deal with and manage, you live life according to your priorities.
If only you could see yourself as those of us who know you best do. Then you would see that it is easy to love Lorelei.
Suni
Oh, Suni - you made me cry! Thank you, sweet friend, for your kind words and generous heart. With supportive friends like you, this journey is all the sweeter. Thank you for walking with me. I love you! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this. I think I'm an idealist too - and always grade myself as failing my expectations. I like what your counselor said. Mine said "For someone who is so kind to other people you sure are mean to yourself." So I've been thinking about how to kind to myself. Truly kind, not "have some more icecream cause you deserve it Erin" kind. :) I liked your list of the things you are doing right. But you didn't add the one thing I know about you and that's the amazing, healthy, creative lunches you make for your daughter!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your response, Erin. Why is it so hard for us to be kind to ourselves? For me, it often has to do with the fact that being truly kind to myself involves discipline (that I'm usually lacking). I have difficulty a) patting myself on the back for anything (usually because I feel that such behavior is the bare minimum one should expect), b) cutting myself slack when I make mistakes and c) setting realistic expectations in the first place.
DeleteThe lunches are something I could congratulate myself for more easily if I put more effort into them . . . lately I've been slacking. I'm still making healthy lunches, and they're still cute, but not very artistic/original anymore. I just haven't made the time to come up with new ideas/designs.